Fear rises up. I won't hold it. I breathe it out. Take in the good, clean air these life-giving trees are making for me.
I know these threads all too well: a tendency toward isolationism. Judgment. Competition. Separation. -isms. Control. A tendency to cut off what I perceive as having "hurt me", to avoid what's challenging. A tendency to build walls and box in to an unexamined life. These things I've seen, I've healed, am healing, in me.
So when the things happen, like Alabama - as they are happening more and more, almost every day, it seems, these past few years - my initial want is to flee. To leave the country, find a new bubble - or at least, find a quiet spot on a tropical beach... and what, hide? Numb myself with alcohol? I don't drink, so that's out. And the shining clarity of sobriety won't let me rest. Running away would mean living with denied truth lodged in my heart like a festering splinter that can't be found. The truth comes instantly, every time: Staying is unavoidable.
After that momentary desire to flee is this: Being in love and continuing to heal is all there is.
Heal it in me. Help others heal. Heal it in me. Serve.
These past few days I've watched the old play of wounding in me. In my personal life, parts that were healed were tested. I don't even listen to the news anymore; I know our connection, so I just watch what's happening in me, and I breathe, and I love and I forgive. I come home.
The process isn't always comfortable. Sometimes it stuns me, knocks me to the ground. But this good ground has her roots in me; she receives my hurts and holds me up. I am devoted. I learn. I return to love.
It's why I'm here. It's why I stay. It's why I return: to love.
Memory of the fires and of not being burned. Held captive by a man who knew me - felt the truth, longed to live there - but wrestled with his internalized fears that belonged to the men around him. Knowing the truth, but pulled by the lies they told about me, about the tribe of Woman. I was held captive. Hidden. Not burned. Protected. Grudgingly, painfully, vitally trusted. He understood my connection, had felt it himself, felt the deep divine love administered to his hurts and his heart through the portal of my earth-womb-heart-hands; but the fear taught him to control what was free and good, wild and alive; so I was punished, all the while holding space for his struggle. Rooting to the earth; disconnect impossible. Rooted and receiving - fortified, blessed - watching him long to rest in his heart's knowing, watching him trying not to fall in line with the fear and the lies, watching him hating himself for not being able to just be. He beat me to punish his own weakness, his confusion. But while others burned, he did not give me up. I tended my wounds and I tended him, holding space for his process, giving him the medicine of lifetimes. Seeing clearly in him the truth he longed to remember, beneath his anger and suffering. Loving him toward his return to freedom, to peace.
So I stay.
Flee, stay, and next comes the relief that I don't have children who will inherit this mess. And then the sharp ache for the little ones in my life and the lives of my friends. And then these children's children, and on and on. Grateful for their courage, their emotional intelligence, their independence. Praying they are taught above all else to listen, listen, listen to their hearts. To love and honor themselves and all beings.
And then the knowing: I inherit this. The current embodiment has never been and will not be my end.
I've been here before. I'll be here again. Healing, healing, healing. Rooted and receiving. Fortified and blessed, in service.
Love lives. Love lifts. Love is. I am here.
"I am resilient.
I trust the movement.
I negate the chaos,
Uplift the negative.
I'll show up at the table again and again and again.
I'll close my mouth and learn to listen."
-Resilient, Rising Appalachia
I'll be announcing dates for more Clearing Ceremonies next week! Space is limited to 6 participants.
I'm in awe of how this energy medicine gets designed specifically for each person. It's like they are a tapestry, and the medicine unties knots, repairs holes in the fabric, and weaves together the field... all perfectly timed and in the doses for which people are available.
This is not Reiki (although Reiki was my introduction to energy work), and it's not Pranic Healing, or anything else I've heard of - although the modalities all connect; they all have flavors of each other. The medicine that flows through me has not yet shared its name (although I'm starting to know who/what it is). It is energy. It is Spirit. It has its own intelligence. We collaborate, and together we serve. I continue to learn.
It's historically felt uncomfortable for me to market this work. I'd been doing it almost secretively for years. Last Fall, a wise man said to me: "Do you think God wants you to just sit around and hope people somehow magically know about this? I'm guessing the Universe wants people to receive this healing. You're going to have to tell them you exist." Smart, huh? (I can think of a few other healers who might take those words to heart.) So I opened my mouth about it, and now more and more people are accessing me and this medicine. More and more people are being helped; more and more people are receiving upgrades from this particular consciousness. I'm the human one in this sacred collaboration, so I'm doing the human part of spreading the word, finding the venues, creating the containers and delivering the medicine. I'm so grateful to be in this sacred partnership! Whoop whoop!
I'm happy to be going offline for the next few days. I'll have ceremony dates and info for you next week.
Sometimes you just know the answer. You don't know how you know, and what you know goes against what your mind may be telling you.
I wonder what it would be like to trust your knowing - to let your heart drive the decision making, even if it's unlike what you've always done. Even if it makes no sense. Even if there are a thousand reasons to make a different choice.
Because something in you just knows.
I wonder what it would be like to create a soft spot in the back seat, where your mind's reasoning can take a rest. Those parts of you deserve some love and gentleness; they've tried so hard to serve you over the years. And it's worked out pretty well, for the most part. You've certainly been kept safe - or at least, things have stayed the way they've been. Thank you, parts of you, for trying.
But there's something that's more... right. For you, I mean. You know what I mean.
Your heart knows the clearest path home. And it so loves to drive. Best driver on the road, you might say. Knows how to navigate around all that noise and traffic. Never bothers with detours. Takes you to profoundly familiar places you've never been.
So take a minute.
Breathe into it.
Your heart speaks your deepest truth.
It's what you know.
Yesterday I got this message from God:
Aowyn is my co-pilot.
Cool, huh? Try it. Fill in your own name and say it out loud:
_____ is my co-pilot.
Can you feel the truth here?
As you awaken, your perspective shifts so you see from the I Am, and your human self becomes the co-pilot - a learning, feeling, experiencing, physical expression that lovingly serves our shared divinity by living a heart-guided life.
We hear that word a lot these days - "awakening". It means a lot of things. Humans are waking up to our own shadows, the dark sides of our personalities. We're learning about how we’ve agreed to a life of discontent, and how we hold ourselves back from true freedom. We're letting go of identification with this or that. We're waking up to it all, and we're letting go. This is what I mean when I talk about "homecoming." We're coming home to our truest selves. This is the awakening process.
We're coming home to the truth of our divinity. As we self-realize or "awaken" to it, we begin to experience and live from that divine connection. As we each heal the wounds we carry - the things that have kept us believing in separation as reality, we start living from our heart. We come alive in new, timeless ways. We begin to heal our communities - the harms humans have done to one another out of a sense of separation, judgment, and I'm-right-you're-wrong. When we reconnect to our divine selves, we can love our human selves and each other. We stop needing to fill our emotional holes with addictions and consumerism and competition. We stop harming ourselves, each other and the planet, and we return to the harmony that is our true nature.
_____ is my co-pilot.
(Go on, give it a try. Right out loud.)
(Put it on your fridge. Say it often.)
_____ is my co-pilot. They’re aligning to become more heart-centered, more lovingly skillful, more surrendered to the ease and simplicity and flow of living in truth with What Is. A co-pilot who's realizing that they are a creator, and they're ready to create harmony in their own inner experience, their life, their family, their community, and the entire world.
And so it is. Blessed be.